Thursday, April 22, 2010

Giving up

This is very hard but I am just about done nursing. Just to type the sentence almost makes me cry. I love nursing. If you have nursed you know what I mean. If you haven't nursed it is truly one of the sweetest things in the world. I love just watching Griffin nurse and it was the same with Sydney. My children are so at peace when nursing. Nursing is more than just feeding a baby. There is a bond and a closeness that occurs that does not happen with a bottle. But nursing is a lot of work and very time consuming. If I was a stay at home mom I think I would continue to nurse but going back to work makes it very difficult. I have two pump slots in my schedule. I am so thankful that my employer is supportive and allows me to block patient slots to pump, plus I go feed Griffin at lunch, or I should say I did. The week Sydney had her surgery Griffin stopped sleeping through the night. At first I thought well maybe he is going through a growth spurt and needs more milk, some nights he was up four times, always wanting to eat. I checked his ears because I started to think that something was bothering him at night but they were clear. Anyway after one or two weeks I started giving him a bottle in the middle of the night and then he would sleep better but still up at least once. So I was thinking all this through and I wondered how much milk I was making and what he was getting before bed. So a few nights I tried feeding him a bottle before bed and then pumping after he went to sleep. Usually when I pumped I would get 2-3 ounces, well obviously he wanted more. I have been struggling to make more milk since the beginning. When I was home on leave it was not a big deal because I would just nurse on demand. But I knew (because the same thing happened with Sydney) that when Griffin went to day care I would have trouble producing enough milk to keep up with him. I have tried everything, pumping as much as possible, taking Fenugreek, drinking mothers milk tea, drinking 60-90 ounces of water a day and I still do not have enough milk. So I give. The last week or so I have been pumping twice daily and I may get 4 ounces total. It is just not worth it. I am tired of the struggle. I am going to have to be happy that we made it to 6 months. I have this guilt and disappointment though. If my body made enough milk I would keep it up but I have a hard time justifying all the time and effort for so little milk. I am ready to make my life easier. No more carrying around a pump and all the supplies, no more nursing pads, no more pump slots in my schedule, no more planning around feedings, no more nursing while sitting on the bathroom floor watching Syd play in the tubby. I really do not mean to sound like it is all that difficult but being a working mom of two and breastfeeding is a challenge. I wanted to nurse longer since we thought Griffin would be our last baby but now I am not sure about that. He has grown so much already and I just love babies so we will see. Anyway I just thought I would share the struggle. I also want to say that if you did not nurse please do not think that I think its bad on your part- I tell moms everyday that nursing is great if its your choice and they do make great formula these days, you have to do what works for you.


  1. my goal has always been six months. after that i'll go back to work, and i'm almost sure she'll stop nursing. but it always make me feel better to think that some babies never breastfeed, and at least mine did for a while. i'm sure i'll feel the same way you do when we stop. daniela loves to nurse and it's so comforting for her. thinking about another baby, huh???

  2. Yes, it is so much harder after going back to work...and for me, I was so blessed because I could pump every two hours because there wasn't anything to schedule around at work...but with Titus, it still was a struggle to get enough milk. I was definitely in tears and frustrated MANY times. It is great that you made it 6 months, but I can definitely understand the frustration of quitting earlier than you wanted.

    I hope in spite of the sadness, you are enjoying your freedom...